Round Two?

I have come a long long way in the past few months. I do not ponder on this subject much but something recently came to my attention to arouse my anger once again. I am now confused as I did not expect another provocation. As in Buddhist beliefs, I will not inititate but I will defend myself. I won't assume this provocation is directed towards me so I shall take the time to ask this person myself of his motives. Perhaps a face to face meeting is just what we need to resolve and evoke explanation from his sociopathic behaviours.

My gained interest in psychology has shed some light on some aspects of my past and the people I have chosen to associate with. Aside from being intriguing it has given me greater insight into my own strength. I now have given myself permission to follow my instincts, as I have been pushing them aside as of late when I did not want to hear what they had been telling me. Not only did I ignore red flags in the past; sometimes I recognized them and THEN dismissed them - so my ignorance was conscious. My gut has told me constantly that I was in a dangerous situation; it manifested itself emotionally and physically - I was literally ill for weeks. I even 'demonized' the subject of my passions; I had never experienced that before - even with those whom I was clearly aware could hurt me. This 'soulmate' to me seemed so fraudulent whenever I was not in his presence. Now I know why.

It has taken great compassion and patience at times to not allow my anger to overcome me - sometimes it is easier than others. Most of the time I am hoping for a fairy tale ending where everyone is honest and feels resolution. I still and always will, hold so much love for the parts of people that I believed in, but I will no longer succumb to any intimidations from their darker sides.

Sociopaths

My theory is that the sociopath is incapable of developing personal values through the process of induction, meaning they are unable to look within themselves to gain a sense of self-esteem. This results their inability to experience empathy. After all, if one cannot generate a sense of self worth from their own reasoning how can they be expected to relate to others who do?

This is a summary from some interesting research that has been forwarded to me:

It seems in every case, the sociopath is an extrovert. This is natural as the person must constantly be in contact with others because they find no satisfaction in themselves. Sociopaths also seem to be universally intelligent. (Perhaps these are the factors that differentiate a sociopath from a psychopath). What results is a charming individual who preys on other people to satisfy an endless hunger for temporary esteem. Because they cannot make sense of the internal values which should be generating this esteem, they simply try to get it from others, essentially reversing cause and effect.

In the end, this system never quite works, so they develop an incredible defense mechanism in every close relationship. Every interaction is bounded by a series of rules/parameters. So long as the victim stays within these, things run smoothly. However, close human contact results in an emotional trade off that is impossible to control. Normally this is a tremendously good thing: trust, loyalty, and compassion are established. However, these all rely on a person’s sense of self worth, and the sociopath is not able to understand that. Sooner or later the relationship becomes too close and loses all stability. This is the point where the sociopath is “found out.”

In dealing with these people, you may feel a certain childlike quality to their emotions throughout the relationship. Though they are highly developed socially, in a lot of ways you may feel like you are dealing with a puppy. But unlike a growing animal or human, they simply refuse to learn from their mistakes, or even acknowledge them in the first place. It seems to be a rare combination of a highly developed intellect and a poorly developed emotional response.

Perhaps at some point every sociopath learns to guard that core of insecurity at the deepest level and as such cannot even look at that, let alone analyze it and learn from it. In time, they develop an incredibly complex mechanism to guard this, adding another component with each deception. By early adulthood, these deceptions become so many that the cost is just too great to turn back, and it’s just so much easier to keep going that the thought never even crosses their mind.

These people are not normal

Sociopaths do not experience empathy.

The hardest part of understanding what happened during our entanglements with sociopaths is coming to terms the extent to which these people are not normal.

Readers have described sociopaths as not human. Aliens inhabiting human bodies. As cold as these descriptions may sound, they’re probably the easiest way to grasp what you are dealing with in a relationship with a sociopath.

So how different are they?

What sociopaths want (Response from Psychiatrists on the website 'Lovefraud')

"Normal people want love and harmonious relationships with others. Normal people want to feel competent in some form of endeavor. Normal people want to contribute to the world in some way.

Sociopaths want power and control. Since they do not really value human relationships, they only want to win.

Sociopaths cannot look within themselves and develop personal values. However, this does not cause the sociopath distress. These disordered people are empty inside, and they may be vaguely aware that they are missing something. But most sociopaths do not have issues with their self-esteem. If anything, they are grandiose, and their views of themselves are ridiculously inflated. They feel absolutely entitled to anything that they want, simply because they want it.

Self-esteem and sociopaths (a response to a man named Kyle's story)

Kyle speculates that sociopaths must be in constant contact with other people because they are trying to borrow self-esteem from others. This is not the case. Sociopaths view people as pawns to be manipulated into giving them what they want. Every social encounter is a potential feeding opportunity, a chance to convince someone to provide something.

Many people, of course, eventually catch on that they are being used, and stop serving as supply to the sociopaths. Sociopaths are aware of this—they’ve experienced it many times. So they are constantly on the lookout for new targets. When one victim is depleted, he or she much be replaced with another.

This leads to the answer to Kyle’s question, which is, “what is a primary sign of sociopathy?” Dr. Leedom has said lying. Steve Becker has said exploitative behavior. Put them together and you can say deceitful exploitation is central to the disorder.

Insecurity and sociopaths

Kyle suggests that sociopaths are insecure and build defense mechanisms to protect themselves from being hurt. By the time they’re adults, these defense mechanisms are so elaborate and complex that sociopaths can’t return to their authentic selves.

Again, he’s trying to interpret the sociopath based on how normal people may cope with personal issues. This is a mistake.

Wikipedia defines insecurity as, “a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving oneself to be unloved, inadequate or worthless.” Sociopaths probably should see themselves as unloved, inadequate or worthless, but they don’t. They may seem to be exhibiting insecurity, but in reality it’s one of two things:

• Frustration that they’re not getting what they want.
• Manipulation tactics to get what they want.

Sociopaths have no feelings, so there are no feelings to hurt. They can certainly pretend to be hurt, but it is a ruse designed to guilt others into giving them what they want.

Genetic roots

So if sociopaths are not trying to protect their deeply felt insecurities, where does this disorder come from? In most cases, the temperamental traits that lead to sociopathy are genetic. That usually means one of the parents is a sociopath, and sociopaths are notoriously bad parents. If a child is born with the traits, bad parenting can make them develop the full disorder.

But even if a child with the traits gets good parenting, the disorder can develop. Parents who have a child at risk of developing sociopathy need to take extra steps to help the child overcome his or her predisposition, but the parents may not realize it. And in some cases, even the best parenting is not enough to overcome negative genetics.

It is also possible for a mostly normal child who has extremely an extremely bad growth experience—such as being moved from foster home to foster home as a baby—can develop the disorder.

Accept and avoid

Please understand that I am not picking on Kyle. He’s obviously given a lot of thought to his experience with a sociopathic woman, and is trying to understand what happened. He has a reasonably good handle on normal behavior and normal motivations.

His letter simply provided me with an opportunity to illustrate that what we know and understand about normal human behavior simply does not apply to sociopaths. Thank you, Kyle, for allowing me to quote you.

In the end, we may not be able to truly comprehend sociopaths. The way they go through life is just too foreign to our natures. We must simply accept that they are very, very different from us, learn to recognize the symptoms, and if we see them, run for the hills."

The Measure of a Man

These are some reflection quotes that summarize my unfortunate feelings of recent events. Very very sad but true. I hold no malice but much sadness and these quotes are very good at reminding me that charm and words do not reflect character whatsoever:

It is a man's own mind, not his enemy or foe, that lures him to evil ways. ~Buddha

It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare. ~Mark Twain

To know what is right and not do it is the worst cowardice. ~ConfuciusAny fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.”

"Surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is? Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth? If there are rats in a cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats: it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man; it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am. The rats are always there in the cellar, but if you go in shouting and noisily they will have taken cover before you switch on the light."

The reputation of a thousand years may be determined by the conduct of one hour. ~Japanese Proverb

“The measure of a man is what he does with power.”

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”

Martin Luther King, Jr.

“The measure of a man's real character is what he would do if he knew he would never be found out.”

“The glue that holds all relationships together - including the relationship between the leader and the led is trust, and trust is based on integrity.”

Character is higher than intellect. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Let us be grateful to the mirror for revealing to us our appearance only. ~Samuel Butler, Erewhon

Fighting Terrorism with Books

So on the plane home tonight I read my favourite magazine "Outside". I picked it up as it had an article in it about this amazing man named Greg Mortenson. He is one of my top living heroes. I was interested in his book "Three Cups of Tea" since he is a climber and I have an avid interest in Mountain climbing (I have only dabbled in this in Africa but not comparable to any base camp!). In 1993, Greg Mortenson nearly lost his life trying to climb one of the world’s highest mountains, K2 in northern Pakistan. Losing his Balti porter in a storm, reeling from his failed attempt, Mortenson stumbled into the village of Korphe in Pakistan’s Karakoram Himalaya region. They looked after him for 2 months(?) until he was strong enough to go home even though most villagers had never even seen a foreigner before!

While recuperating one morning, he the saw children huddled in the cold wind, on the top of a mountain scratching out lessons with sticks in the dirt. No teacher (one came by maybe every 20-30 days and give them lessons; then the kids would meet on the mountain daily with to study). And our kids today complain about school... Anyway, he was inspired and impetuously made a promise to the village’s leader, Haji Ali: He said "I will build you a school."

That promise took him to rock bottom and back again as he despaired while living in his car to save money for the school until a generous benefactor set him on his way (Jean Hoerni). It was this old man's dying wish to see the first school built, and it happened days before he died. They co-founded the Central Asia Institute to build schools for children in remote areas of Pakistan and Afghanistan. Illiterate high-altitude porters (like Sherpas) have put down their packs to make paltry wages and risk their lives in order to educate their children. Former Taliban members have renounced violence and went to work with him as security forces to get him in and out of these war-torn regions. Mortenson's remarkable Odyssey reflects the astounding humanitarian reach that one person can generate.

Today his article was about the continuation of all the schools he has built since the book (62 to date). Makes me want to read the book again. Funny enough with the enemies he has made over the years (as he has relationships with many middle eastern diplomats and politicians, he has received the most intense threats from Americans themselves! They call him a Muslim supporter, terrorist etc. How pathetic is that?

Anyway, this is why the book is called 'Three Cups of Tea':

Greg learned quickly during his endeavors that in order to gain trust in the tribesman, you had to stay for three cups of tea. It is customary when you stay in one of their villages abd Greg has drank alot of tea since 1993! During the first cup, you are strangers; with the second cup, you become friends; and by the third cup, you are regarded as family and are willing to die for you if need be.

It really is all about building relationships you know.

Ubuntu

Ubuntu = "A universal truth, a way of life that underpins the concept of an open society" It does not mean that one should not address themselves, but that they must do so in order to enable the community around you to improve.

The concept of Ubuntu is very difficult for the westernized mind as it is just too dirty and spoiled with the intoxicating ideas of the omnipotence of the individual identity. I respect the spirit of Ubuntu for the connectedness of us all.
I was still exploring this area within me and while watching Mandela’s short explanation of what the Ubuntu in life is (you can see it on 'Wikipedia Ubuntu Philosophy), and it finally dawned on me.

It was the 'deserve-oriented', language that creates a gap, the canyon between the spirit of Ubuntu and my little self. This discourse, always operating with the idea that I have to deserve to be accepted, appreciated, loved, respected…, this cultural context of there being some universal rules I need to (and will always fail to) follow in order to deserve my needs to be met within a group of people.

This paradigm was dominates my society and most of my socializations throughout my life. And I fear that I somehow have internalized it into the very fundamentals of my own being and my beingness. Do I deserve to be accepted? Do I deserve to be a part of this beauty? Have I complied with all the requirement to be let in?

I see this 'deserve-oriented' language of conditioning as one of the most fundamental failures of the humanity. It results in being conditioned and conditioning others. If you do this and that then you may qualify to deserve my love. If you comply with this and that, then you may deserve to be let in. Distinctions. Hierarchy. Levels of importance. Inner and outer circles. Social climbing. Competing. Building up as much power over others as possible…

What I am trying to say here is that I feel, somewhere very deep and barely tangible within me, that the Ubuntu starts within us, with our perception of ourselves, our own worth and our own needs. And with the realization that it is not at all about deserving or not deserving. This language and these notions are completely irrelevant and meaningless.

Ubuntu, as I see it, is a complete absence of evaluation and deserve oriented perception of self and others. We do not have to deserve to be accepted, to be part of it all, to be taken care of. And the same is true for everybody else. Because we can not, actually be separated, be not-connected. We are connected, ultimately and universally. We can not be if others are not. We are because others are. We are because we all are.

The only choice we have is to choose to continue denying it all or to choose to cease denying and embrace it fully.

Dazed and Confused

What do you do when your mind is overtaking your emotions? When you feel so goddam lost that noone can relate to you anymore? I am struggling with this and need a refuge.... This is my chance to practice self-discipline and take control of my emotions. The challenge is that I need to be at my strongest when I am at my weakest. I am haunted by my own mind. It is very true that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

I know that this too shall pass...but riding out the storm is no holiday.

I am so thankful to have my friends near when I need them so much. Thank you.

I will bounce back.

Reminiscing

So this evening my husband and I watch a movie and the main character (Josh Hartnett) reminded me of my friend 'John'. So I called him and his wife 'Leah' on the other side of this country and reminisced. Leah and I were very good friends as we coached together for years in gymnastics. We also ran an a Special Needs program for Social services to integrate Mentally challenged teens into the community before graduation. The day I met her she was sharing her wedding photos at the gym club where she just got hired (where I was working). In her wedding pics, she wore her jean jacket over the dress and I thought "WE are definitely going to be friends...". We were inseparable by the end of that week. The three of us we were the best of friends and I was at their home constantly. Johnny even let me pick their home out as Leah was very sick and depressed after the first baby was born and couldn't go house hunting. I had almost even named one of their daughters! They have seen me through a lot, and I, them. There are no two people on this earth with whom I have shared so much laughter and tears.

When Leah had her second child, she had severe post partum depression. I mean severe. She was one of the rare women who developed a psychosis and needed to be cared for constantly or admitted. It started with tingling in here legs after a run, then led to temporary feelings pf paralysis so they thought it was MS. As they live on a remote island, Leah had to be flown off to be brought to the main city center every time she had symptoms. I had moved back home to NS by this time so John called me in tears to tell me the story. They had admitted her to the psych ward and would only let her go home with 24h supervision; preferably from a nurse. Leah said I was the one she wanted there to help their family through this. She was a very personal person and definitely NOT the emotional type. She was the type who teased her groom at their wedding while he cried, ya know? So, of course, when I got the call, I dropped everything (as I was not in the same Province when all this happened) and left to go out West again to help John with the kids and look after his wife.

It was very intense for me, but it was my calling. Yes, it was awful living on an island with a sick baby, a confused 2year old, a psychotic mother who could hardly even dress herself and a husband who was stressed, depressed and had extremely high expectations of my ability to cook, clean, counsel and nurse his children. We even had a fight at one point. My days were filled with holding down my best friend to dress her, feed her, give her her sleeping pills and keep her and the kids sane. I got very little sleep and arrived back home after a few weeks sick from exhaustion. On the plane on the way home I was vomiting blood and they almost landed early. I slept for 17hours and worried about that family for days after. But while I was there I was as cool as a cucumber. That house was spotless, the babies were happy, mom was calm, and Johnny was running his home business and hopeful that his wife would carry through without hospitalization. To this day, she remembers hardly any of it. It's Johnny's and my little secret.

And I would do it all over again for them. For anyone that I loved.

It was so good to hear their voices tonight on the phone. All these years later. The girls are years older and cannot recall any of it. Thank god for that. I remember it all. And I was so glad to be a part of it. It was one the greatest blessings I have experienced. For someone to reach out to me when all they knew had been lost. To trust me to bring them back to sanity; and for me to have pulled through despite the odds.

I have so much more to learn about myself and so many more ways in which to grow. But I am so so so happy that I had that opportunity to push myself to the limit and really be there for people whom I love so dearly.