Baby Blues

So my husband and I are hoping to get pregnant. We have been 'passively' trying for over a year now. I have a Naturopath that's been assisting me to support my own body to enhance the opportunity to conceive. In addition I have been trying to track my own ovulation (yet to no avail) and also started acupuncture therapy to both stimulate and balance my meridians (address blockages, what have you). Oh yes, and having sex.

So far we have not been successful. He has a son so I do have a stepson and yes that satisfies a portion of my maternal instincts. However, as of late, I do note that I am having mild annoyances at others who are pregnant or have children. It's a really gross feeling to be happy for someone yet envy them as well. For me I also have guilt associated with this envy; guilt that my spirit is not acting in accordance with my integrity. However, it never takes away from the fact that I am deeply truly happy for these people who have children. I just hate them is all (alright I'm kidding).

But honestly, if there was a vote in my High School for who would have been the most likely to marry, settle down, have kids...it would have been me. 'Mother hen' was a nickname I had in High School (didn't drink, didn't smoke etc.). This changed to 'Martha Stewart' once I was in University and beyond and cultivated some domestic talents. Those who nicknamed me obviously only saw the surface (which is the way I preferred it) but suffice to say motherhood does become me. I have spent my entire life looking after others; mostly children (cancer, care, pediatric general nursing, coaching multiple sports, volunteering overseas, camp counseling, special needs, public health nursing...). That's been my whole life. It seems like such a cruel joke to not be able to get pregnant when I want to; I insisted on not getting pregnant until I was married and found someone who would be a great father. I wanted to be wise, gain skills, feel established, hone my parenting values before I had a child. So I waited. And now I feel regret for not having a child sooner. God knows I could have done it on my own. I didn't NEED a father for the child; I just see it as the right thing to do for their welfare.

Anyway, if I don't get pregnant, I have to admit that I will feel incomplete for the rest of my life. Part of me believes that we are here for a few core reasons: to harvest and care for the earth, to love and support one another, to gain wisdom to take our souls to a higher level and to have children - to pass on our wisdom and values to so that they can continue what we have begun. If I miss that last piece I will have done myself a true disservice. If I ever have a child I know that I will have so much learning to pass on to them. It saddens me to the core to think that all this spiritual development may cease at the moment of my death.

So, my husband and I are going to adopt. I know that we can make a huge difference by adopting. I always knew that I would adopt at least one child; since I myself was elevated from my very caring but incapacitated parents. I was lucky enough to be brought to a structured supportive home in which to grow to be a productive member of society. To be able to pass that on to another child would truly enhance my soul.

But to conceive a child, grow it inside you, give birth to it and then nourish it's body and soul while it grows. Now that would be amazing.

People have babies everyday. I know. That's my job. I work with 'high risk' marginalized parents. I teach them parenting skills, health promotion, prenatal classes and many other things. I am their counselor, advocate and teacher. And let me tell you, most of these people don't give a f*** about being a parent. It's job to them; something they have to do. A checklist of sorts. Like it's some sort of accomplishment or something. I really cannot stand the whole 'proud parent' thing - showing off your child like they're some trophy or something. Multiple lessons, play dates, photo albums, toys, stuff stuff stuff, private schools etc. It's soooo ego driven. Most families want the quintessential 2 children - oh they can't afford more then that. Like if you don't spend $1000 on each kid for Xmas you're a 'lesser' parent or something. If I had my way with my stepson he'd get NOTHING for Xmas except maybe a stocking or one gift.

Yes, that's what I said. Anyone reading this would have such a Westernized, consumer-based ego-driven reaction I am sure. "How mean of you"! 'How cruel are you"? "Only one gift"? Yes that's right. A Christmas with one gift: We'd make cookies, we'd volunteer for food drives, we'd go for walks, make snowmen, decorate the house, drive around and see the Xmas lights, go caroling, decorate a tree, go skating, make dinners for those who have none (hell bring them back to the house for all I care - get the homeless off the streets for a night or two, even if it DOES make you uncomfortable...) etc. There would be LOTS of Xmas to go round without the gifts. Believe me.

And it would be wonderful. Nevertheless, I cannot do that with my stepson. We scale back as much as possible but his mother is the antithesis of earthy. If you cannot buy it, if it's not junk food and if it doesn't improve your ego in one form or another, it's useless to her. This is what he learns from her. Therefore, I am affected by her at times because I see our son struggle between developing integrity and getting swamped by consumerism. But you know what? I am not as bothered as I used to be.

You know why? Because she is no different from anyone else.

Sad but true.